This article was written by AspFI Executive Director, Lynda Geller, Ph.D., to provide an overview of AspFI's Common Connections™ program and to give individuals, parents, and families who attend Common Connections guidance about how to optimize and build on the social connections that we hope will begin to develop there.
Common Connections was built upon solid child development research literature that tells us that all children need friendship to develop socially and emotionally. Yet many children lack the basic skills to proceed with the steps that for others may naturally unfold. Parents do not remember anyone instructing them in the basics of social interaction and thus sometimes feel uncertain about how they can best help a child for whom this is not developing easily. So many parents tell us that no one invites their child to play, or that peers are rejecting of their child's social overtures. It is not true that waiting for peers to become more mature and be more able to accept a child who is socially different or seems to only have adult interests, will work. What happens is that someone with undeveloped social and emotional skills continues to be rejected through adolescence and into adulthood. So what is the solution for concerned families?
Many schools and professionals have begun to develop social skills training for children who are having trouble in this domain. This is a wonderful change from the situation several years ago, when no one really thought about this aspect of development and children and families were given no social skills support. But social skills instruction an hour or two a week is not a sufficient intervention for an individual who has significant deficits in their basic social skills. Practice in the real world is critical to healthy social and emotional development. The main goal of Common Connections is to help children and families make connections with others who are potential friends.
We all connect most easily with those with whom we share interests. This is particularly true for children who have very intense interests. What are the chances that anyone at a particular school will share a specific intense interest, and what are the chances within a small engineered social group? Getting larger numbers of families together offers children and adolescents an opportunity to find someone who shares an interest. To that end we offer a number of special interest activities where we hope individuals will meet like-minded others. Also available is the Connection Center, where individuals and their families can describe an interest and leave contact information.
We hope that those attending this event will meet someone who is a potential friend, but as we all know, meeting others requires a certain level of social skill. Our trained facilitators will be helping children meet and interact with others, but parents need to be ready to capitalize on these experiences. Here's what you can do:
Following are other suggestions regarding social development that you may wish to consider.
1. Make a list of everything that has proven a barrier to your child's having successful social interactions. These will be different for each child but may include:
· No available or willing partner
· Child will not initiate play requests
· Child can't reciprocate conversationally
· Child has meltdowns, distancing or frightening _others
· Child does not have basic play skills
· Child must always have own way
· Child seems uninterested in other children
As so many of the skill deficits children experience have an underlying neurobiological basis, it is important to understand precisely what each child's difficulties are, so that they can be treated. A psychologist or neuropsychologist who is well trained in the special issues that affect children on the autism spectrum and others who have neurodevelopmental issues (ADHD, learning disabilities, Tourette's Syndrome) may be best able to help parents design a social skills development plan that is based on specific skill deficits, rather than one that simply tries to address "social skills" in a broad brush fashion. This kind of consultation can help families support specific problems, such as an auditory processing issue versus rigidity and anxiety versus social focusing. Different underlying problems will have different solutions for social functioning.
2. When children talk incessantly about their own special interest, it is counterproductive if the target person is uninterested (as many peers may be), but if the target person shares the interest, interactions are more mutually appealing and children gain self-esteem by having their comments valued. So, finding others who share interests can be very important in developing social opportunities and an emotionally positive attitude toward peers and self.
3. As most parents did not need to be instructed on the rudiments of play they are not always aware of how to help their child develop better one-on-one play skills. By taking time to do interactive imaginative play with youngsters, adults can model the thinking process of a play partner and positive interactions. By verbalizing what a play partner might be thinking, parents can help their children understand the typically unspoken aspects of play that children with social skill deficits may not notice. Verbalizing such thoughts as "I'd like a turn now," "I'm getting bored with this," "I want to be first," for example, parents can help children recognize these aspects in others and practice appropriate and positive responses. Pretending to have hurt feelings, be afraid, etc., can help the child practice attending to, and understanding, a playmate's needs and feelings. Reinforcing appropriately responsive replies to various situations can be an important rehearsal for real play dates.
4. If someone is over for a play date, parents may set up and join in on the imaginative play, making interpretive comments that help the children interact easily and develop more complex imaginative play. Play should be focused and limited, followed by snack or more active play.
5. For children who have difficulty with games with winning and losing, encourage other kinds of activities or supervise closely, verbalizing such thoughts as the value of having a play partner, the inherent feelings of winning and losing, how other activities that may happen next have no competition, etc.
6. Plan, plan, plan. While a play date may be a time of relief for a parent of a typically developing child, a more proactive involvement is necessary for children with social deficits. A short, mutually enjoyable time (even if it is only 30 minutes) can be more valuable to skill development than a long, unstructured, less satisfying time. If attention has wandered and the guest feels bored, no further opportunities may occur. But a short, well-designed activity can leave everyone anticipating the next time an activity is planned. Purchasing an interesting, special toy or game that is only for engineered play dates can make the interaction time reinforcing to the child and guest. If the children feel confident and positive about playing together, greater independence may then develop.
7. Practice social problem-solving in an imaginative context. For example, set up a situation where figures are playing and have a quarrel. Help the child think of multiple solutions and verbalize them through one of the characters. Practice weighing the pluses and minuses of each solution and help the child learn to anticipate the consequences of different approaches. Parents can even propose ridiculous solutions and let the child point out the flaws.
8. Social Stories may be a nice preparation for getting together on a planned play date. By helping the child anticipate what is going to happen, how long the time together will be, and possible conflicts with proposed solutions (e.g., Jessie and I each want to be first, so we will flip a coin and then take turns being first), children who are anxious without structure can have a structured basis.
9. Although you may feel that your child is frequently wronged, verbalizing this can make children feel negatively about the world and interpret minor slights as overly important. Children who imagine that others are out to get them tend to retreat socially. Children who imagine a change in their own behavior could positively influence a situation are more likely to respond positively to the give and take of typical social interaction.
